


Giving

by Silent_Specter



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silent_Specter/pseuds/Silent_Specter
Summary: This is based on the prompt: "Lena has never gotten a gift for Christmas before Kara gave her one the first year she was in National City. They were always deemed "frivolous" in the cold Luthor household, since with their fortune they could get anything at any time they wanted anyway. She wishes she could tell Kara how much that first gift means to her. How much the continued gifts mean to her."I don't know that it's exactly that, haha, but I hope it's ok! Happy Holidays!
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85
Collections: Supergirl Femslash Secret Santa 2019





	Giving

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rikaleeta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikaleeta/gifts).



Lena stared at the wrapped box currently sitting on her balcony.

Brightly colored holiday paper wrapped with precise and crisp corners, a festive ribbon tied neatly around the center.

Lena took a sip of her coffee and stared at the box, but made no moves towards the balcony.

If she had lived in Gotham, a present on her balcony would definitely be cause for alarm.

“But I don’t live in Gotham.” She murmured. She half wished she did though. Because there was really only one person in National City who would leave a holiday present on her balcony. And she couldn’t stand to think about them.

Lena took another sip of her coffee and winced.

…Why was she drinking coffee when she could be drinking alcohol?

She set the mug down and went for the scotch. She had taken the lid off the decanter when the package on the balcony caught her eye. It taunted her and she slammed the lid back down on the decanter.

Fuck. You. Kara Danvers.

Zor-El. She corrected herself while biting her lip. Kara Zor-El.

She picked up the decanter and poured a bit of the scotch into a glass after all. She took a sip.

God Lex would laugh if he could see her now. Drinking at 7:13 in the morning. He’d make a cruel joke that would compare Lena to Lionel, and she would smile wryly, but on the inside it would cut and burn for days. He used to do that sort of thing all the time. Used to compare her to their father. Tell her how similar they were. Tell her how she was just like Lionel. How emotional and violent and weak and self serving she was. And Lena hated it. Hated how Lex could take and take from her like that.

She hated it because she worried it was true.

She hated it because she was all but convinced it was.

Lena downed the glass.

Fuck Lex too.

She poured herself some more and picked up the glass.

The present’s bow fluttered in the breeze and Lena groaned as she set down the glass.

Her eyes settled on the fireplace where she’d lit a fire earlier.

She stormed out of the kitchen towards her bedroom, stormed back, took a sip, and then stormed back the way she’d been going.

She flung the doors to her massive closet open and pulled the bench at the makeup counter all the way to the back. Standing on tip-toes she finally retrieved what she came for on the top shelf. A plain brown box.

She stormed BACK into the living space and slammed it on the coffee table in front of the fireplace.

She took another sip.

Fuck Kara Zor-El.

She took a bigger sip.

And Lex.

Another.

AND Alex.

And all of them.

She downed the glass again.

Fuck them.

She sat and looked at the flames.

But mostly Kara.

God she hated Kara.

She opened the box, and her eyes settled on the item on top. A planner. Simple but elegant, black leather. Lena’s hand faltered just for a second as she pulled it out. She leafed through the pages.

Kara had given it to her on her first day as CEO of Catco. Told her that in the Danvers family, everyone got a planner on their first day. As if Lena could ever be a member of that family. Kara had made it clear by not telling her.

Fuck her.

Lena stood, the alcohol making her sway just a bit, and tossed the planner in the fireplace.

She went for the next item in the box.

A simple black travel mug, with Lena’s name engraved on it. Lena had been skittish around coffee ever since the poisoning incident, but then Kara showed up with the mug, telling her that Winn had programmed a sensor that would light up when it detected poison. Kara had even filled it with her favorite coffee order.

Lena threw it in the fireplace. She flinched back with it popped and immediately warped in the heat. She could make herself another. She ignored the smell the plastic made.

Lena reached for the next thing in the box. A carefully folded Big Belly Burger bag. Lena didn’t remember when it was from. Kara had brought her so many lunches and dinners. Lena didn’t even know why she had saved it.

Lena crumpled it and threw it in the fire.

Stupid.

The next item was a cd. Kara had made her a themed mixtape after one of their lunches talking about nostalgic things. This one had copious amounts of N-Sync and Brittany Spears.

Into the fire it went.

FUCK. YOU.

In quick succession she tossed out the next items:

-a National City Shark’s jersey from the time Kara had dragged her to a game

-an uno card Kara had made them sign after they beat everyone at every game at Game Night

-a framed photo of her and Kara

-the signal watch

-and some dried flowers…the ones that Kara had given her after Jack…

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck youfuckyoufuuuuuckyououoou.

She reached quickly for the last thing in the box and her hand hit soft fabric.

The blanket. She’d almost forgotten. It was a red, poorly crocheted blanket. Lena pulled it out. Her hands brushed over the missed pearls in the crocheting. Despite herself the corner of her mouth tilted up. She shook her head, put the blanket down and reached for her whiskey.

She hated this.

Hated that she was drinking before 8am. Hated that she was choked up over some stupid blanket. Hated Kara.

Kara Danvers who- Damn it. Kara Zor-El who had only known her a few months when she’d shown up at Lena’s office. It was after the whole Medusa thing with her mother. (Lena took a sip, as though the mere thought of her mother constituted a secret drinking game with herself). After Kara had disappeared for days. And then she’d shown up and apologized for not being there, apologized for how things happened with her mother. (Sip). And thrust a holiday package wrapped in blue menorah paper into her hands.

Lena had silently panicked. She hadn’t gotten anything for Kara. The Luthor’s didn’t really do holidays. Sure, she had the company send investors incredibly nice bottles of wine…did Kara drink wine? Lena hadn’t taken note at that point. But growing up…the Luthors didn’t do holidays. Not with presents and caroling and get-togethers and showing someone you- No. There were business affairs and cold dinners and instructions on how to take over companies.

The gift had felt out of place in Lena’s hands and she was sure she was blushing. A present felt so frivolous. Kara must have some ulterior motive. But Kara looked guileless and excited.

_“Open it?” the blonde had practically been bouncing while Lena stared at the present._

_“Uh…ok?”_

_“I’m sorry by the way…”_

_“You already apologized Kara, it’s ok.”_

_“Oh, I know. But I’m sorry for what’s IN the package.” Lena had opened it and pulled out the blanket._

_“It’s…a blanket.” Lena had said, not knowing how to react._

_“Yeah! I know it’s not very good. I’m new at crocheting. And I know you could probably buy a nicer one, but I really just. I noticed that you get cold sometimes in your office when we have lunch and I thought you could really use a warm blanket. Eliza tried to teach me…She’s so much better at it than I am. I know it’s not perfect. But tis the season, right?” Kara’s smile was bright._

_Lena’s eyes watered looking down. A sudden rush of emotion as her hands ran over the blanket._

_“You learned to crochet? So you could make me a blanket?”_

_“Well yeah! I wanted it to be special! I know you had a rough year…And I just…I just wanted it to be special.”_

The memory stung and Lena reached for the blanket again over the pops and cracks of the fireplace. She stood over it, willing her hands to let go of the blanket, and let it go up in flames. Let her be rid of this. But if anything, her traitorous hands gripped it tighter.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Her eyes were welling just like when she’d received the blanket from Kara.

Defeated she backed away from the fire with the it still in her hands.

This wasn’t fair.

God she hated Kara.

Hated her so much.

Maybe she could donate the blanket? If she couldn’t bring herself to destroy it? Would they even take a badly crocheted blanket? She lifted it to her nose. It smelled like Kara. She would always use it when she visited Lena’s office. Or make Lena use it…because Kara had been right. She was always freezing. She pulled the blanket around her shoulders and shuffled towards the balcony where the wrapped present waited for her. She passed a mirror and saw the red on her back like a cape and she wanted to scream because all she could hear were Kara’s words echoing in her head with the rush and swirl of the alcohol.

_“Be your own hero.”_

She pulled open the balcony doors and reached out for the gift. It was wrapped in reindeer paper, with crisp lines and a perfectly tied bow.

How could someone wrap a present so perfectly but crochet so poorly. HOW. HOW.

Lena slammed the glass doors shut and collapsed on her couch with the present. She pulled open the paper. Determined to set whatever she found underneath alight since she had failed so miserably with the goddamn blanket.

Something fell onto her lap and Lena’s breath caught in her throat when she realized what she was looking at.

“…Oh…”

Lena remembered vaguely that Kara painted. Knew that she occasionally had something half finished sitting on an easel in her apartment. But now that she thought about it, she’d only seen a handful of small abstract pieces of Kara’s and they’d never really talked about it.

But this.

It was detailed.

And vivid.

And expressive.

And beautiful.

Lena was sure it was Krypton.

Krypton from the last Kryptonian to remember it. To be there. To see it.

Lena was so stunned by the beauty of the piece that she couldn’t move for a moment.

Why… Why would Kara give her this?

Her eyes caught on a note in the wrapping paper at her feet and she pulled it out to read it.

_“Lena._

_I’m sorry._

_I know it will never quite be enough. I know you don’t trust me. I know all this time I was giving you little pieces of myself…and wasn’t giving you one of the most important one. I know. I’m sorry._

_I’ve never really painted anything from Krypton. But I wanted to share it with you. And I’m sorry if it’s over the line…or not ok. But I wanted you to know. Wanted you to see. All of those things you know about me are still me. (Ok…except for the allergy thing…and the time I pretended to faint on the airplane). But all of the other stuff is me. JT and Brittany are still my OTP, I still love game night, I’m still really bad at crocheting... And I’m from Krypton._

_And I know you know that already…and I know that you’re still mad at me. And might always be mad at me and never want to be around me._

_And I will understand._

_But I need you to know I will miss you. Because you…and getting to be around you… you’re apart of what makes me who I am too._

_Happy Holidays,_

_Kara”_

Lena’s emotions were too much. Such a bright swirl that she couldn’t even begin to unravel it. All she knew was that she needed to talk to or yell at Kara NOW.

“Kara?” Lena croaked, forgetting she wasn’t there. Instinctively she reached for where she kept the signal watch, holding the painting tight, and then hazily remembered she’d thrown it in the fire. She turned around, looking for her phone. “Fuck. Fuck!” She turned and the edge of the blanket caught a whisp of flame. “FUCK.” She shrugged it off and started stomping on it. Luckily it went out leaving the edge of the blanket only partially singed.

“Lena?” Lena looked up in her drunk flustered state and saw Kara…just Kara standing on the balcony. The hero looked at her anxiously but didn’t come inside. “…Are you ok?”

Lena stood rooted on the spot for a moment.

She nodded. Kara let out a breath.

“Was the blanket… on fire?” Lena nodded again and then her face crumpled and she started crying.

God she hated….

Kara rushed to her side, but didn’t touch her. Lena was still holding the painting, and when Kara noticed her eyebrows tilted up, and a crinkle appeared in her forehead.

“I’m sorry…”

“Is that all you ever say? I’m sorry?” Lena spat through the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. Kara didn’t say anything for a moment.

“I know…Alex thinks I apologize too much too.” She finally said.

Lena let out a watery laugh in spite of herself. God…she really hated…She sat on the couch heavily, and Kara sat next to her.

“I really hate you…” Lena said. She felt weary.

“I know.” Kara sounded tired too.

There was silence a moment.

“…I hate you.”

“…I know Lena…”

“No. No you don’t get it at all Kara. You don’t get it. I hate you…because no one’s ever…because no one’s given…” Lena looked at Kara. Her eyes were ringed red. “I hate you because…I …” Kara nodded.

“I know.”

“You don’t!” Lena said, standing again, her voice rising.

“I do.” Kara stood now too, matching Lena’s energy. “I really think I do know why you hate me Lena! Because you love me …or loved me. And maybe I'm wrong but I’m guessing that because I love you!”

Kara’s bravado withered and her head dropped and she backed away a few steps. Lena had frozen. “I love you…And that’s why I hate myself. That’s why the guilt of not telling you has been eating away at me. That’s why I can’t not hear your heartbeat in my ears every second of the day…why I can’t stop thinking about you…why I can’t stop missing you like…like I miss Krypton! It feels like a somebody’s ripped a hole in my chest…And that’s why I can’t stop being sorry.” Kara took a step forward, but stopped when Lena flinched out of surprise at the movement “Because I love you. And I hurt you. And I’m sorry.” Lena didn’t say anything. Kara’s eyes darted away. “Rao I…I should…I should go…” She headed for the balcony.

“I burned the planner…” Kara stopped, but didn’t turn around. “And the flowers you brought …and the mixtape you made....” Kara whirled around at this.

“You burned the mixtape!? That was some classic stuff!” Lena almost smiled, but everything was too heavy. Kara looked at the red crocheted blanket around Lena’s shoulders. “Were…were you trying to burn the blanket?”

“…I couldn’t.” Lena let out a breath. Kara nodded and turned to go again, lifting off slightly from the balcony. Lena took a step forward. “I’m sorry!” Kara’s feet touched back down and she looked at Lena. “I’m sorry…for burning them…” Kara shook her head.

“They were gifts. They’re yours Lena. I gave them to you…it’s…it’s ok. You can burn them if you want. I’m not mad. I just…I wanted you to know I cared about you. I get why you’d want to burn them.”

“I know. But I…I want you to know that I am…sorry. For burning them. I’m sorry.” Lena caught eyes with Kara. “I… I wish I hadn’t.” There was a moment of light among the weariness in Kara’s eyes.

“I can always make you another mixtape you know.”

“Kara I…I really…”

“I know…you hate me.”

Lena bit her lip and looked away.

“…you know…I really thought I did...I wanted to. I wanted to so badly.”

Silence fell over the apartment and then a siren down the street shattered the moment.

“I…” Kara stammered as she squinted towards the city.

“I know you need to go. It’s ok.” Lena said. Kara looked like she wanted to say something in return. Looked afraid to leave in case whatever had just happened would disappear. Worried this tenuous thread of something might break. “Kara it’s ok…” Kara nodded and lifted lightly up, not taking her eyes off Lena. “And thank you. For the gift…I love it.” Lena’s words were sincere, and she gripped onto the canvas. “And Kara…I hope this isn’t the last time we talk…” Lena’s mouth quirked upwards in just the ghost of a smile, of something that used to be there, that might again, and she gripped the canvas tighter. She was hoping Kara would remember. Hoping Kara would know what she was trying to say. 

Kara’s smile was quiet. Not like her usual brighter than sunshine ones, but it made Lena feel warm nonetheless. Because it was there and it was true, and it was Kara...the Kara she knew...she'd known...she wanted to know... who clearly did remember, and Kara who was giving her this…

“I hope not either.” 


End file.
